Apparently my mind does not want me to sleep. At all. Ever. I go through this on most nights but usually after an hour or so of second guessing every decision of my day I finally succumb to sleep. But that is not the case tonight.
Tonight is no different than any other really. I lay down, get all comfy and turn to YouTube for a little help with some sleep meditation. I know, hokey right?! At this point in life I will try nearly anything in hopes of getting a decent nights sleep. But that is not happening. Not tonight or any other night for what is probably going on 9 years. Yup. 9 fucking years. I can’t remember the last time I slept and actually felt good the next day.
I have been up worrying about all of the decisions that I have made when it comes to my kids and divorcing their narcissist dick of a father. At first it was the sheer thought of whether or not I just royally fucked up their chance at having a normal life. However, people with kids get divorced all the time and the kids turn out just fine. I’m jealous of those people. No matter how hard I try to co-parent it just doesn’t work. It will always be his way or the highway. So what is there left to do? Worry. Just plain worry.
I worry all the time that I’m not doing enough or fighting hard enough for my kids. Life has become a shit show. One kid refuses to talk to dad. One kid refuses to talk to me. And the other is simply caught in the middle. It appears as though he could not care any less about the situation so naturally that leaves me trying to fix it on my own. Quite the impossible task to say the least. But yet I try.
I lay in bed on a nightly basis in hopes to pick up the pieces of what was once a family and figure out some way to make them fit again. Even with the extra pieces that have been added as time has progressed with the addition of stepmom and soon to be half sister. And yet nothing has worked. Not taking them out to dinner and having a heart to heart. Not writing a letter asking for a fresh start. Most definitely not family counseling. That was the biggest fucking joke ever.
So here I am doing what a loving parent does. Worrying. Searching for the right answer. Hoping that maybe some day it will just slap me in the damn face. The way I see it, it has to get better. Right? I know that my kids deserve so much better than what they have so it has to. And that’s my job to make sure it happens for them.
This Is Why I'm Single 